Keep The Faith

We have all, at one time or another, deliberately observed a moment of silence. A brief time of respect, memory and reflection. Often, this is a time that has grief woven inextricably into the memories. I have not written here for more than six weeks. Part of that time has been this blog's moment of silence for a nephew on Kathy's side, Jacob de Schiffart from Dunnville, Ontario. Less than a year past his diagnosis of lymphoma, less than a year after his 29th birthday, less than a year beyond celebrating the birth of another child to Rachel and him, on Sept 5 the lymphoma claimed Jake's life. From afar, we have easily seen how Jake and Rachel and the rest of the family have leaned on God through these excruciating events. They have been held in God's good hands. They have expressed genuine comfort right in the middle of unspeakable anguish. May God walk with all those who experience Jake's absence in everyday moments. May God help them and us to keep the faith. The ...

At the exact time when I feel on the edge of self pity about the news that my life is just good ( partial remission) and not great (full remission), we have been jolted by the news that a nephew, half my age, has not responded to multiple treatments as he battles against a more aggressive blood cancer. His physical struggles since diagnosis early this year have been colossal compared to mine. He and his family are faithful followers of God, but that does not lessen how hard it must be for him and for all involved– spouse, young children, siblings, parents and so many more. We will continue to pray for all of them . It has me thinking again about the differences between being cured and being healed. I am realizing that for me healing is more than gaining full remissions or being cured. Yes, I still want a cure for myself and even more so now for my nephew. But while the cure that we still pray for is in the hands of our all-knowing God, living with cancer  is more like being stubbo...

As cycle 8 of the myeloma drug trial ends, and we head into the maintenance phase, I am #thankful for a very noticeable improvement that has taken place since I relapsed in January. Along with that thankfulness there is significant disappointment that the clinical trial, after a very hopeful start, will most likely result in only a partial remission. We need to find out more next week about what partial means and whether or not a partial remission can last.  Thankfulness side by side with significant disappointment.  We had hoped and prayed for more. That puts us in the company of just about any human and more importantly, in the company of Jesus who experienced and who knows both celebration and tears, joy and sorrow, thankfulness and  disappointment, life and death. In each of those things we pray that we will cling to Christ's constant presence. 

At the end of Chemo Cycle 5, my doctor, speaking like a surfer, told me to ride the wave. The clinical trial drug was having some desired results and he advised that in cancer treatment once we "catch a wave" we'd best ride it as well and as long as we can. That was a month ago. Already cycle six is over and cycle 7 has begun. I am not afraid to admit that I'm not a very good surfer. This is a challenging, uncomfortable ride. This wave is harder to ride than I anticipated. It is rougher and less predictable than the last wave. I lose my balance often. The rocky bottom of these coastal waters menaces me regularly. I find myself looking down at the perils of the ride instead of looking up at the beauties of the coastline and being with my fellow surfers. And while I ride, I continue to hear the voices… of those who, in one way or another, say that if I just had more faith, I wouldn't need to be here…. the voice of the deceiver saying that I am all alone on this wav...

 In January, when the myeloma monster sprang to life once again in my body, it prompted the inevitable conversations with my doctor about how far we were from the end of this pathway. Without talking  specific numbers of months or years his answer had two parts. First, he said that our backs weren't up against the wall...yet.  Treatment options exist that should still knock the cancer back down. Then he said something that is becoming a bit of a mantra for us.  He said, "I have a friend who surfs.  As my friend treats his patients, he often likens it to catching the next good wave ."   My doctor paused, then said, "Brian, it's time to ride the wave. " I will admit that we know very little about surfing, but as we finish up Cycle 5 of the clinical trial, the hard work of paddling out seems to be mostly finished.  We've turned our board to face the shoreline of the future. Even though this ocean and its waves are unpredictable, and at times frighten...

With yesterday's medications, cycle 4 of the treatment protocol is complete. We are halfway, and we remain #thankful for the opportunity to participate in the clinical trial of a drug that, from our perspective holds promise. As reported in the last update, some alterations were made to the drug combination for cycle 4 and the immediate change in quality of life confirmed the wisdom of those changes. Life is better without the steroid Dexamethasone! We are anxious to see whether the changes have altered the efficacy of the treatments. I am starting to understand that my whole journey with cancer is not as much about being "cured" as it is about being "healed." Curing is about those cancer cells in my plasma and blood. Healing is about cells and souls and surrender and faith and relationships and....  I may write a bit about that in the future, if I can wrap my mind around it. For now, give thanks with us!  Thanks for the time we spent with all but one of our fam...

    Nothing endures but change. Heraclitus  In the two months since I started receiving the clinical trial drug which still has no name, I have mentioned a few times that the medical team is trying to walk the line between helping and harming. Tomorrow, as we begin cycle 4 of the chemo protocol, there will once again be an adjustment that is aimed at keeping the treatment on the "helping" side of that line.  The clinical trial drug will continue as is. Thus far it has resulted in over a 90% drop in the proteins that are markers of myeloma! One of the other established drugs, a steroid, will be eliminated completely because of its effects on our day to day life. The third drug will be dosed differently, in the hope of reducing some of the negative effects it has on peripheral nerves. One enters a clinical trial hoping for a steady path to healing but as it turns out, that path is characterized by enduring change and adjustment.  I am #thankful God provides brilli...