I have written three pieces since my last post on this blog. I have posted zero of them. It's not that the writing is any worse than usual. Nor is it that I have been too busy to do the final revisions. The reason is a classic Good-News/Bad-News story.
Now for the bad news: the list of people I know or have worked with who have recently begun their cancer journey or who have lost their battle with cancer is getting longer. These are people whose diagnoses are more recent than mine and for whom the struggles seem so familiarly ominous. Some of their families now gather around a grave. Other families around a hospital or hospice bed. Some are left with a loved one whom they hardly recognise either physically or emotionally. I know much of what they are going through, but writing about our journey from a position of day to day wellness almost feels disrespectful. What some would call "survivors guilt" makes me more and more hesitant to tell my story from a high place when others are in the valley of the shadow.
I am unsure how to get around that. There will continue to be people who live with and die from cancer. Some will have a journey much more difficult than mine and others will find lasting healing. I will need to figure out what role writing will continue to play in my story. In the meantime I will resolve to pray for those who struggle with cancer, that they may be gifted with keeping the faith. As always, you are invited to join me in that prayer.
Hi Brian. Thanks for another blog entry. A book I once read said that a person and their perception of the world alters irreversibly after a cancer diagnosis. You can never be that person you were before, or see the world as you once did, even if you beat the cancer. Amazingly I can remember the title, "Between Two Kingdoms," but as usual I have forgotten the author of the book. In my experience, the same can be said for those of us who have had a serious stroke, and likely those who survive a heart attack would also agree. This means I “understand” this kind of change in your life, Brian, but I can’t really know it, not having fought the battle with cancer. Survivor guilt may be a common feature of all our changed personalities and worlds, post health crisis, but not universal. It would be wonderful if there was a recipe for conquering survivor guilt. All I can offer to you is one tid bit from my meager reading on the subject, this doctor said writing was a helpful way to fight survivor guilt. Hmm, the very thing you said was difficult to do because of the guilt. Perhaps writing is your battle ground.
ReplyDeleteAside from the guilt, I can only imagine your pain at losing people you have befriended in your treatment journey. I’m so sorry. I will pray for your peace and comfort. And, pray that your desire to write flourishes and benefits you as much as it does to your readers like me.
John Hull
Hi John
DeleteThe book you may be referring to was written by Suleika Jaouad. She dealt with a very aggressive blood cancer in her twenties. I have many quotes from that book in a google doc to occasionally peruse and perhaps use as a writing prompt.
Any big life event, whether an accident or a health issue changes and shapes you. And I don't see survivor guilt as something to conquer as much as it is something to acknowledge and something to teach me empathy, thankfulness and grace. Like cancer, guilt, properly placed within God's love for us, CAN bring character change that is positive. Of course, it isn't always easy to keep guilt from becoming self loathing at some level. (Maybe we need a positive word for "guilt" that brings positive change.)
Further, when speaking of survivor guilt, who among us wealthy Christians, has not felt guilt seeing the pictures that emerge from Gaza, or the Ukraine or Sudan or the inner city or.... Our lives are so "easy." Perhaps the right dose of "guilt" helps us to remember that it is very difficult for a rich person to be in God's kingdom day after day.
Just a few thoughts. I pray you are well. Keep the faith, John.
BD
I'm glad that you continue to be in remission and that you can continue to enjoy time with family and friends. This is a gift to be grateful for. I think to some extent every person has to develop a way of coping with death, whether they have or are dealing with a potentially terminal illness such as cancer, or not. We are all destined to die. It has been said that coming to terms with that is a prerequisite to really live. The big difference for those who believe in Jesus is that he has shown us that death is not the end. It isn't even the focus of his ministry. He focused on renewal of life in obedience to God's great commandments. I think in that spirit Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8 (NIV): "Finally, ..., whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." There was much to think about then and no less now, notwithstanding all the evil being done in the world every day.
DeleteHi Tom. It is good to hear from you and glean some wisdom from your comment. I am grateful for my wellbeing and did not intend to leave any other impression. You are absolutely right that every person, young or old, sick or well, has to develop a way of coping with impending death. Many don't though. "Normal" discussion of such things is not big in North America. Denial is. At least it was for me. Being thrown headlong into the valley of the shadow by a life event or a diagnosis can lead to a lot of questions. My post above was me remembering the difficult first year after my diagnosis and thinking about those who are on that journey now. I want to write in such a way as that it affirms where they are right now and gives them hope to, again, find God's love.
DeleteYour comments continue to challenge me Tom. Thanks for that!