This is not a lament. Make no mistake, I am doing quite well as I finish off chemo cycle 12 (8 treatment cycles and 4 maintenance cycles) since my relapse in the new year. Still, it is hard for me not to interpret increasing aches and pains, variable energy levels and especially recent blood test results through a lens that makes me wonder if the “good days” are waning. Those blood tests have trended in the wrong direction, forming a lens that has this transition from summer to fall couched in questions: Is this it? Are we running out of treatment options? Was this my last good summer? Will I be able to go for walks with Kathy next summer? Ride my bike? Go camping? Travel to see family? Contribute to my community?
I probably should have considered most of these questions long before I had cancer. I think that that is, in part, what the psalmist knew when he prayed, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Ps 90;12 I need a heart of wisdom. A heart that is rock-solid-certain that Jesus walks with me, no matter what the aches, pains and blood tests try to tell me. A deep wisdom that reminds me that today is a gift from God. I need the kind of wisdom that offers rest and allows me to stay in the moment even if all the noises in my life and the dark shadows tell me that a hungry beast lurks.
May our loving God grant the heart of wisdom needed to keep the faith.
Beautiful insight and wisdom, Brian. Jean and I are wrestling with these questions, because our daughter Heidi has cancer. About a year ago she was found to have colon cancer and the doctors were optimistic about the surgery and subsequent treatment. Then, about a month ago, it was back, this time systemic. As an old retired guy I may not have a lot of years to gain a heart of wisdom, but my 42-year-old daughter, with two kids aged 8 and 11, is literally counting the days. Will she get 1,825 days (5 years); maybe 3,650 (10 years)? Every day must be numbered. and I hope that all of us gain the wisdom to deal with it faithfully.
ReplyDeletePaul and Jean, we heard from someone in Edmonton a bit about Heidi's journey just a few days ago. Wrestling with that must be agonizing for a parent. Both for you and for Heidi as she parents her young ones. It is hard enough to find the "right" questions to wrestle with and even harder to find answers that aren't smug and sweet. Still, we wrestle and move back and forth between despair and hope. I pray that all of you will be held by God as you wrestle.I pray that answers to questions may come in surprising ways. I pray that Jesus meets us all in the broken places of our lives. Perhaps when it is repeated so often it sounds cliche, but most of all I pray that you and Heidi can keep the faith.
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