Abide.
That was our plan. Medical stuff was going to go on pause for the Christmas season and we would face the future in the new year. We would wait patiently for what would come. We would hold tight. We would abide.
Health care professionals that we are blessed with, didn't wait. On Dec 21 oncologists that reviewed my file saw a concerning relapse-- more than 40 hot spots in my bone marrow. Mysteriously, that level of activity had not been betrayed by the protein markers in my blood. It was clear to them that a new treatment protocol would be needed as soon as possible but could not be found in a current clinical trial precisely because of the unusual nature of the relapse. With no viable trial on the horizon I was referred to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre in Calgary. A doctor there has compassionate access to an approved but unfunded newer drug known as a "bispecific." We will be doing a consult on January 8 and will make decisions after that.
Now... again...we need to learn to abide, but perhaps in a different way. The journey through the darkness of advent has indeed lead to the coming of the Light of the World. We rejoice. But we still see and feel the darkness. In fact the darkness brought by this relapse, by the prospects of a daunting new treatment and by the knowledge that this could very possibly be our last treatment protocol, looms like a storm cloud that often eclipses the Son.
We need again, to learn to abide. To abide in the love of Christmas. It is a "God with us" love that doesn't need the storm clouds to dissipate before it shows up; it is there in the swirling darkness. It is there in the warm light. It is an always-was and always-will-be love. It is a love that dances in the light, a love that embraces in the dark and a love that anchors in the storm.
More than anything else, we need to abide in that Love, or as other translations say, "remain" in that Love. We need to trust that it is and always will be enough. Creator, we believe. Help us with our unbelief.
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Sarah Bessey's Advent reflections Reimagining Advent and her Secret Field Notes podcast (Episode 34) first got me thinking about what it means to abide in this season of life.
Praying for you every day, Brian. I feel that we must also abide, in the constant waiting of a beloved friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Paul. We feel like we are entering into new challenges to our faith. Knowing that you and others say prayers for us is life giving! We will pray for you and the challenges your family faces as well. Keep the faith.
DeleteDear Brian and Kathy,
ReplyDeleteThis week is a week of fasting and praying in our house, as well as in our church. I will pray for you and your family with renewed energy. Knowing and believing in what only He can do. He is the Creator of every cell in your system. And in the waiting for a miracle to happen, your blog has been a blessing to so many! Now, but also in the far future. A testimony of a man wanting to be with his loved ones, but ... also longing to be with The One! I am praying for your healing, but I am also praying for the deep and holy knowledge that every outcome, as long as it is in His mighty hand, will contain a huge and wonderfull reward to the faith you have had in Him! God bless you.
Thanks for the encouragement Esther. While we have prayed and waited for a miracle that would see the cancer disappear, we have experienced many other miracles and much healing. We are convinced of God's love but we still have days when it is hard for us to just trust that love and rest in it. We are so thankful God does not let us go when our trust in him is weak. God places people around us to remind us of how faithful God is.
DeleteTomorrow we travel to Calgary where I will be admitted to hospital for 6-10 days in order for the next treatment to begin. God's grace and presence go with us through the prayers, encouragement and visits of his people. Pray that our hearts can stay open to that grace and that we will abide in God's relentless love for us.