Kathy and I have been forced to do a lot of thinking over the past 6 years about what it means to trust God. We are thankful for the role so many of you have had in helping us process that journey! Once again, however, I find myself unable to avoid doubt. Kathy sees it written in the wrinkles on my forehead.
This week those doubts are the background noise arising from an upcoming scan. Everything about the course of treatment I started in January has been positive. The treatments each week are quick and easy--just a needle in my belly. The side effects are mild, save for the fact that it leaves me very open to infection. Summer activities are constrained only by the reality that I must get the injection every week. For a fourth line of treatment, this one is not at all harsh. And if that were not enough, my bloodwork has been excellent, to the point that my doctor cautiously uses the word remission. I haven't heard that word since my stem cell transplant! So many prayers have been answered.
"Then," you might ask, "why the low hum of doubt in your head?"
This week I have a PET Scan. It wasn't that long ago (November) that I had a scan to see if there were reasons for some of my leg and back pain. They found no new explanation for that, but were surprised to find that my bloodwork was disguising the fact that the plasma cancer was active in more than 40 hotspots in my bone marrow. I can't help wondering if we will see reruns of that movie again next week. Not knowing if this treatment is, in fact, effective leads to some questions about what God's plan might be. Those questions feel like doubt.
Please pray with us for two things this week:
1. A clean scan (July 5)
2. Faith/trust that is alive, regardless of the outcome.
*found in Buechner's book Beyond Words.
Yes, it's a struggle to trust that the Creator has an interest in our well- being. We do have a tendency to avoid being mindful of our own frailties. ". . . narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." Still, keep your eyes on the prize and you may be one of the few.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe it is possible to struggle and to trust at the same time. I know the assurance of God's presence and love and still I struggle with accepting those frailties you mention and I have some serious questions to ask!
DeleteBlessings to you and yours!